But It's Not Fair !!!!!

I have two girls. They are now 19 and 23. When they were young I wanted everything to be fair. I remember making a decision that all would be fair. This was rooted in feelings from childhood with one brother two years younger. Many times because he was a boy and I was a girl I did not think life was very fair. He got to mow the lawn. I was a girl, I had to cook and help inside. There were other incidences when I did not think life was equitable. When I did not get my share. So, as a mother to these two children I worked very hard (to a fault) to make everything fair.

Notice in this picture, two floral dresses, two pairs of white shoes and two bunny Easter baskets. Okay, I even made sure the Easter bunny divided the goods exactly in half. No more, no less.

Take a look at this. Two white dogs with three puppies each. (Embarrassing!)

Here is it again. Two babies, all the same except for their hair so they would know which one was theirs. Yikes! And it gets worse!!!!

Notice in this picture. The oldest is in the front of the bathtub!

Here the oldest takes her turn in the back of the tub!

You see, there was a season when they argued about everything. Who got in the front of the tub, who sat behind the driver in the backseat, who chose the bedtime book first, who sat to the left or right on the table in front of the TV. It was so bad that as a young mom I made a chart. For one full day each child took a turn being FIRST. If it was your lucky day to be first you sat behind the driver in the car, you took a bath at the front, you sat to the right in front of the TV and you got to choose the bedtime book first. I don't know how long I implemented this little schedule but I do remember it helped quiet the arguments. You see, even at their young age they saw it as fair.

I do not know when I gave up the idea that everything had to be equal but sometime as they neared junior high I realized that no matter how equal I made their home life, life outside of the walls of our home was not going to be fair or equal. I do not know when I consciously decided to teach my girls that life was sometimes not fair but it happened. You see, it's not that all people should not be treated as equals, certainly they should but the fact is not everyone is going to get the same. Some have more wealth, some have more stuff, some get to do more cool things, some get to take elaborate vacations, some make better grades, some get better cars, some get better jobs, some live in bigger houses, some get more presents. In these things life is not equal and for many families that is by design.

Stephen Covey in "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" talks about the difference between having an "Abundance Mentality" versus a "Scarcity Mentality". A scarcity mentality means "seeing life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. ...if someone were to get a big piece, it would mean less for everybody else. People with a scarcity mentality have a difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit, even with those who help in the production. They have a hard time being happy for another's success (or possessions). It's as if something is begin taken away from them when someone else receives special recognition (or possessions)."

An "abundance mentality flows out of a sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that says there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making."

I do not know the exact time my girls adopted an "abundance mentality" but they both as young women have it. They understand that there is enough of my love for both, that when someone else gets attention for a success it does not take away from them getting or earning that same attention. This important lesson allows them to feel joy for others and to be happy with the recognition they get.

There are many adults in our daily lives who still do not grasp this concept. There is plenty of attention to go around, there is plenty of abundance, the deep love from one parent to one child does not take away any part of the love that that parent has for another of their children. If they do not learn this when they are young, they will stuggle all of their adult lives with a sense of envy, loss and dissatisfaction with their own work and relationships. I do not have an answer for exactly how to achieve it but I do know that we all should work toward that "abundance mentality" in all aspects of our lives so that who we are and what we have is enough for our joyful lives.

"Abundance is....not how much I own but how much I appreciate."

(Candy Paull, The Art of Abundance")